Purple Dye, Garlic Powder, and Romance
by Jason Thompson
Summary: Buffy and Xander get caught up in a prank war


Purple Dye, Garlic Powder, and Romance  
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fanfiction Story  
Author: Jason Thompson  
Pilamsega@yahoo.com  
June 24, 2000  
  
Disclaimer:Guess what I own, nadda, bubkiss, diddly squat. That's right nothing, I have no   
job, I have no money, and I have nothing worth having, except my rapier wit and devilish good   
looks.  
  
Category:Buffy/Xander  
  
Spoilers:Minor for season 4  
  
Warnings:  
  
Summery:Buffy and Xander get caught up in a prank war…  
  
Rating:R  
  
Distribution:Ask First. I'll let you, but you NEED to ASK FIRST.  
  
Notes:This is based on a prank war my brother and I had once. This is a possible   
season 5, with Xander starting out at UC Sunnydale, Buffy has her own dorm room, Willow and   
Tara are rooming together, Buffy and Riley are still dating, however Anya and Xander recently   
broke up.  
  
Dedication:As always, dedicated to Mary. Dedicated to Duchess who helped me form this   
idea into a fic, as well. Also dedicated to anyone who gives me feedback.  
  
Purple Dye, Garlic Powder, and Romance  
  
Willow Rosenberg had had enough of Xander Harris' constant teasing. Sure it was good natured,   
but it was just so hard when he always seems to be beating her to the punch. Buffy had just said,   
"Gee Willow, you'd think after dealing with him all your life that you'd be used to it." Willow   
just fumed. Buffy had it easy, Xander avoided picking on Buffy. Tara however was more   
helpful, saying that Willow should play a prank on Xander. So Willow was going to do just that.  
  
This time Willow was going to win, or at the very least she'd pull a little closer to even with him.   
She used his extra key to sneak into his bedroom. His roommate was gone for the weekend. One   
of Xander's across the hall stoner neighbors walk down the hall seeing her entering his room.   
  
She nodded to him, before stealthily sneaking into Xander's dorm room. She heard Xander's   
snoring, she quickly found his shaving kit and pulled out his shaving gel. Smiling evilly, she   
crept over to Xander's bed. She gently took his hand out from under his head and opened it palm   
up. She filled his hand with the gel, set the can down and pulled her Polaroid off her shoulders.   
She touched her finger to his forehead lightly, and suppressed a giggle when he smeared the gel   
on his face. She touched his cheek and Xander smeared his cheek some more. After about ten   
minutes, Xander's face severely coated, so she took her Polaroid, and hoped that Xander was still   
a heavy sleeper. She took about ten pictures then left his apartment locking the door behind her.   
  
Before she left she taped one of the pictures to Xander's door. As she strutted back to her dorm   
room she muttered, "Willow; one, Xander; zero."  
  
***  
  
Buffy woke up Saturday morning to the knock on her door. She grumbled something about her   
boyfriend being way too early of a riser for her tastes as she extricated herself from her bed.   
Bleary eyed she crossed to her door smashing her baby toe on the corner of her bed. She   
crumpled to the ground and bit back tears. "Mother Fucker. I'm gonna kill you Riley Finn." She   
staggered back to her feet and finished her trip to the door. She yanked the door open. "What?!"  
  
Willow merely smirked at her friend smugly and handed her a stack of Polaroids. Buffy returned   
to her bed, "What are these?" She began looking through them, and by the time she finished she   
was giggling. "Xander's gonna kill you!"  
  
"I know."  
  
"You did this last night? Did anyone see you?"  
  
"Just one of his stoner neighbors. Dale… Nate… whatever his name was, him and his roommates   
are always smoking pot, Xander says sometimes he gets a contact buzz in his room."  
  
Buffy laughed at the pictures, "Oh man is Xander gonna be so pissed."  
  
***  
  
Xander stood in the shower pissed off, he got a shaving cream facial the night before. He knew   
of only two people who'd do it too. Buffy or Willow, that was the question, Buffy or Willow?   
One of them would soon be dead. Just as soon as he got out of the shower.  
  
***  
  
Nate and Dale stood in front of Xander's door, or as they called him, "X-Pac," even though he   
hated the name. They watched the Polaroid with the kind of fascination that only two people   
tripping would show to an everyday object. Suddenly Dale began giggling, he merely uttered,   
"Brah, he's all creamy."  
  
Nate never took his eyes off the photo, "Sheah, I know… Dude…"  
  
They were surprised when the door opened and X-Pac stepped out, "Dale, Nate, how's the pot."  
  
Nate was strangely creeped out that X-Pac's face wasn't creamy like in the pictures. "No X-Pac,   
we hit the shroomage, you want some?"  
  
X-Pac stepped back when Dale tried to touch his face. "No thanks guys, listen did you two see   
any of my friends last night?"  
  
Nate laughed and nodded over-enthusiastically, "Yeahr, I saw one of your hot ass girlfriends   
brah!"  
  
"Which one, Buffy or Willow?"  
  
"Muffy?" Nate turned to Dale, "Dude, was it Muffy or Pillow?" Dale just laughed, obviously   
not understanding a word. Nate turned back to X-Pac, "I think it was Muffy."  
  
Xander nodded, "Thanks," he walked off saying something about war.  
  
Dale turned to Nate, "Brah? Was it me, or did he talk backwards the whole time?"  
  
"Sheah dude, we are SO tripping." The pair laughed and returned to their room.  
  
***  
  
Graham watched Xander as he wrapped the box of chocolates. "So let me get this straight?   
Buffy got you with shaving cream last night, so you're going to give her chocolates?"  
  
Xander nodded, "Trust me Graham, Buffy's going to get hers in the end." Graham then noticed   
the empty box of Ex-Lax.  
  
"Oh my God. You're giving her Ex-Lax in her chocolates."  
  
Xander smirked, "Give the man a prize." Xander scrawled a little note then taped it to the box.   
"I am the Prank-Master, have fun today Buffy, I think you're going to have to spend the day in."  
  
***  
  
Buffy was in the shower when Riley came in. "Buffy?"  
  
Buffy called out from the bathroom, "Out in a bit Riley."   
  
Riley nodded, then noticed the box of chocolates on the bed. He took the box and opened it. He   
picked up a piece, it didn't look like the usual chocolates, "I wonder what flavor these are?" He   
popped it into his mouth, it tasted alright. He began to eat more of the chocolates…  
  
***  
  
Buffy shook her head as she talked to Willow and Tara, "So he ate a box of these chocolates   
Xander gave me, not just some, but the whole box."  
  
Willow nodded in an understanding manner, "And he's been sick all day."  
  
"He didn't leave my bathroom for like two hours. He's at his house now."  
  
It was then that Xander strutted into the Bronze, seeing Buffy he was surprised. "Hey Buffy, how   
were the chocolates?"  
  
"I didn't get any, Riley ate the whole box." As she spoke, she suddenly put two and two together.   
She thought briefly of busting Xander out right, but changed her mind. She thought to herself,   
'Fine Xander, this means war.'  
  
"Sorry to hear that, I had to go buy some shaving cream this morning, I was surprised that I had   
run out."  
  
Buffy suppressed a laugh, "That's too bad, well I need to go check on Riley before I go to bed.   
Later guys."  
  
***  
  
Xander woke up the next morning and after a quick shower went to his underwear drawer, pulling   
out a pair of boxers one name came to mind, "Buffy…"  
  
***  
  
Giles watched as Xander adjusted his pants uncomfortably for the eighth time before his curiosity   
beat his good taste. "Xander, is there some problem?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm going commando today thanks to Buffy…"  
  
Giles didn't want to ask, but he had to know. "What did Buffy do?"  
  
"She cut the crotch out of all my underwear and the toes out of all my socks." Xander grimaced,   
"Even the silk ones Anya liked me to wear when we…"  
  
Giles interrupted with a stop gesture, "That's quite enough Xander. Why did she do that?"  
  
Xander shrugged, "I gave her a box of chocolates with ex-lax sprinkled in."  
  
"Dear God, Why?"  
  
"She gave me a shaving cream facial, she started it, and I don't even know why she started it."   
Standing up off the couch, he adjusted his pants uncomfortably. "I'm gonna finish it though,   
after I go buy some more boxers, then I'll wash my dirty clothes so I can I have some   
underwear."   
  
***  
  
Buffy entered her dorm room and found a box on her bed. On the box, in Xander's hand writing   
was written the words "Open me." She approached the box cautiously, half expecting a severed   
doll head, reaching into the box she found shredded fabric and two large envelopes. On the   
envelope marked "One" was written, "Hugs and Kisses --Xander."   
  
Opening envelope one, she saw polaroids of Xander at her underwear drawer, smiling and   
waving at the camera as he took all of her underwear. The next group of pictures had Xander   
putting them into that big box, along with her favorite leather bar pants. She opened envelope   
two and found more polaroids, these were of Xander throwing all her underwear into A WOOD   
CHIPPER! The last photo was of Xander with handfuls of the shredded garments.  
  
Outside Trout Hall, the students walking to and from class stopped when they heard a name cried   
out in anger loudly. "XANDER!"  
  
***  
  
Buffy sat in her poli-sci class still fuming over Xander's latest prank, all her bras and panties and   
a two-hundred dollar pair of leather pants were destroyed, he even dug through her dirty clothes.   
But deep down, so deep down that she wouldn't admit it even to herself, she had to give Xander a   
grudging respect. He paid attention to the details Buffy had missed, and as a result of her intense   
concentration she had failed to notice the strange look her friend Thane was giving her.  
  
Buffy suddenly noticed a strange odor. She inhaled deeply and smelled Garlic. She leaned over   
to Thane, "What is that smell?"  
  
Thane looked at Buffy as though she had grown a second head. "It's you Buffy."  
  
Buffy inhaled again, it *was* her, it was her feet! She muttered, "God Damn you Xander."  
  
***  
  
Xander howled in laughter, clutching his sides with one arm and wiping the tears out of his eyes   
with the other. He was drawing stares from the other coffee house patrons and was having a hard   
time staying in his chair as Thane recounted the tale of Buffy getting so angry that the Prof asked   
her to leave the class.  
  
Thane waited as Xander calmed down. "She's going to kill you, you know that right?"  
  
"Let her come." An evil smirk formed as Xander started to crack up again. "With her smelly   
feet, I'll have a good five minute warning." He exploded into laughter, and Thane spit out the   
coffee she was drinking when Xander actually did fall out of his chair.  
  
***  
  
Buffy giggled with evil glee as she hung up the phone, her latest retaliation was finally finished,   
now it was just a matter of waiting. She heard Riley call her name as she wrote down prank ideas   
in a little steno pad she kept in pocket. "Yeah?"  
  
"We need to talk." He sat down on the bed.  
  
Buffy closed and pocketed her pad and looked at Riley in a concerned manner, "What is it?"  
  
Riley ran a hand through his hair and sighed, "I think we should start seeing other people."  
  
Buffy's eyes widened. "WHAT!?!"  
  
"This thing with Xander…"  
  
"What thing with Xander?"  
  
Riley laughed sadly, "It's funny, I knew there was something between you two in the   
beginning…"  
  
"There is NOTHING going on between me and Xander."  
  
Riley smiled sadly. "If not now, there will be, I can see it. I hope we can still be friends though."  
  
Buffy stood up and walked to the door. "Keep hoping Asshole. Accuse me of having a thing for   
Xander, and you still want to be FRIENDS? I think not." She opened the door, Riley just shook   
his head walking out. Buffy slammed the door. "Schmuck."  
  
***  
  
Xander came back to his dorm room and noticed the light flashing on his answering machine. He   
pressed the play button and walked over to his bed laying down and taking out his Chemistry.   
After a message from Giles and one from Willow, the machine got his attention.   
  
Um… Hi Xander, this is Steven, I'm answering your ad in the paper, I'd like to take you out for   
dinner my number is… Xander sat bolt upright. The machine continued to the next message   
which was similar to Steven's from a guy named Paul. There were three more messages like this   
from guys. His eyes narrowed and Xander nodded. This was certainly an impressive prank by   
Buffy. Xander would have to think of an appropriate response, right after he called and had his   
phone number changed.  
  
***  
  
Xander stood outside Buffy's window, which he could see was open. He looked at the small   
object in his left hand and smirked. "Buffy, I'll give you points for being fancy. But sometimes,   
it's best to get back to basics." He tossed the little object through the window and walked away   
whistling some tune from the South Park movie.  
  
***  
  
Not five minutes after Xander left, Buffy ran out of her room. Her eyes were watering, and she   
was coughing and gagging. Someone, and she knew who it was had thrown a stink bomb through   
her window and Buffy accidentally stepped on it on her way out of the bathroom, breaking it and   
releasing the noxious chemicals inside. Buffy was getting furious, twice now Xander had left her   
stinking. Well she was about to pull out the big guns.  
  
She stalked down the hall for Willow's place.  
  
***   
  
Buffy held the small vile in her hand, looking at Willow's creation. "You're sure it will work?"  
  
Willow nodded. "But Buffy I'm not quite comfortable with you and Xander doing these things.   
You two seem to be getting out of control…"  
  
Buffy turned to Willow with an incredulous look. "Hey, he started it, and he's hit me really hard.   
So it's my turn. Besides Willow, this is the doomsday weapon. If Xander gets me too bad, I   
introduce him to this little vile." Buffy left the dorm room.  
  
Tara turned to Willow, "Are you ever going to tell Xander that you started the whole prank war?"  
  
Willow turned to her girlfriend and looked at the blonde as though she had lost her mind. "Are   
you crazy, and bring the wrath of both of them?"  
  
Tara nodded in an understanding manner. "How long do you think it'll be before their sleeping   
together?"  
  
Willow turned off the light and led Tara down on to the bed. "Another week at the outside."  
  
***  
  
Buffy closed Willow's door behind her. "It's just too bad it's Doomsday, isn't it Xander?" She   
laughed with evil glee as she walked back to her dorm room to air it out.  
  
The next morning she made her way to Xander's dorm room when she knew he was in class. She   
used his spare key she borrowed from Willow to get in and went to his bathroom. She picked up   
his bottle of shampoo, and took out the vile pouring it into his shampoo. Screwing the cap back   
on, she left Xander's dorm room with a self-satisfied smirk.  
  
***   
  
Xander stepped out of the shower and began to dry off. It had been two days since the stink   
bomb and he was starting to get really worried and paranoid. He toweled off his hair and put on a   
pair of his new boxers. He picked up his brush and began to brush his hair while he dug through   
a drawer to find his Speed Stick. He found the deodorant stick and closed the drawer. He looked   
at his reflection and cried out in terror…  
  
***  
  
Tara answered the door to find Xander. He was wearing a knit Limp Bizkit ski hat and looked   
extremely pissed. Tara had a pretty good idea why he was wearing a hat and was so upset. "Hi   
Xander, you wanna come in?"  
  
Xander stepped inside. Willow came out of the bedroom and saw Xander. "Hey Xand, what's   
with the hat?"  
  
"Oh nothing Willow, just this…" He yanked his hat off revealing a head full of purple, it was a   
light purple and made Xander looked rather silly. "Look what Buffy did to me. What the hell am   
I gonna do?"  
  
Tara looked Xander over, "I don't know, maybe some black dye, kinda give it a patchy affect it   
might look kinda cool." Xander looked pure death at Tara. "Sorry."  
  
Willow looked Xander over. "Tara's right." Upon receiving a death glare from Xander as he put   
his hat back on. "What I mean is… I'm not getting into this Xander. Maybe you should go talk   
to Buffy."  
  
Xander nodded, "Maybe I should…" He turned around and left their apartment.  
  
Willow watched him leave, "Well…" Willow started to laugh. "That… was… the funniest   
thing…" Willow clutched at her stomach as she doubled over laughing while her eyes teared up.  
  
***   
  
Buffy smiled as she finally had rid her room of the stink bomb smell. She was about to go take a   
shower when a knock came at the door. She opened the door, "Oh it's you, what's do you want?"  
  
Xander shook his head. "To make peace."  
  
Buffy's eyes opened wide. "Are you serious? You started this whole thing and now that…" She   
yanked off his hat and fought down the giggles his purple hair caused. "A-and… and now that   
I've kicked your ass with this prank, you want to quit."  
  
Xander yanked his hat back and pushed into her room. "I started… I did NOT."  
  
Buffy stopped laughing and said, "You did too! With the Ex-Lax, that was YOU!"  
  
Xander shook his head angrily, "You started it with the shaving cream facial!"  
  
Buffy took an angry step into his face. "I didn't do that DUMB ASS! That was Willow!"  
  
Xander stepped back, "That was Willow? But Dale and Nate said it was you?"  
  
Buffy cocked her hip and folded her arms, "And you took the testimony of two burned out pot   
heads?"  
  
Xander began to laugh, "Oh my God, I did. I'm an idiot."  
  
Buffy became angry at Xander's laughing. "Yes you are, you shredded my underwear and my   
favorite bar pants!"  
  
Xander ran an angry hand through his hair. "Well, you dyed my hair purple!"  
  
"You put garlic powder in my shoes!" Buffy took a step closer.  
  
Xander matched her move, becoming angry. "You cut holes in all my underwear and socks!"  
  
"YOU threw a stink bomb in my dorm room!" Buffy stepped forward.  
  
"YOU put my name and number in the gay personal ads!" Xander took another step bringing   
them nose to nose.  
  
"You gave my ex-boyfriend the runs!"  
  
"Oh YEAH!"  
  
"YEAH!" Buffy suddenly realized how close she was to Xander. It was then that she realized all   
the things he was doing to her simply by standing that close to her. "And I'm really attracted to   
you right now!" Her voice was still angry, despite what she said.  
  
Xander grabbed her by the hips and pulled her to him in a rough manner. "Well, I'm really   
attracted to you too!" His anger changed to just pure passion and lust as he spoke.  
  
"Well you better kiss me!" With Buffy's words, Xander swooped down and kissed Buffy   
hungrily. They tumbled to the bed and began to frantically rip each other's clothes off…  
  
***  
  
For the second time in a week, students walking by Trout hall on their way to and from class were   
stopped by a name being cried out loudly. However this time it was in the heat of passion. "OH   
XANDER!"  
  
***   
Giles had decided that he'd end this ridiculous fight between Buffy and Xander. He walked into   
Buffy's dorm. As he arrived at Buffy's room, he heard Buffy and Xander's voices. Her door was   
cracked open. He stepped inside, knocking as he did. "Buffy, Xander, I need to talk to you about   
this silly…"  
  
Xander yelled, "GILES!"  
  
While Buffy shrieked, "GILES GET OUT OF HERE!"  
  
Their voices brought his attention to the bed, and he gasped at the scene before him. Buffy and   
Xander lay entangled with each other on the bed, quite obviously disheveled by rather heated   
bouts of love making. Giles began to stammer as he backed out of the dorm room closing the   
door behind him. As he walked away his face burning and crimson, something occurred to him.   
He stopped and turned back towards Buffy's dorm room and asked no one in particular. "Was   
Xander's hair purple?"  
  
***   
  
After Buffy calmed down from Giles just barging in. She slowly descended back down onto the   
bed and snuggled into Xander's arms. Xander tenderly stroked her back, earning a purr from the   
Slayer. Buffy kissed his chest, "This is much more fun than pranks." Xander grunted his   
agreement.   
  
Xander lay there quietly for a while, Buffy looked up to see him looking thoughtful. "What'cha   
thinking Xander?"  
  
"Just, that this is really all because of Willow."  
  
Buffy smiled up at her new lover. "I don't know whether to kick her ass or kiss her."  
  
Xander chuckled, "Me neither. Where did you get the hair dye?"  
  
"From Willow."   
  
"I doubt its just going to wash out, I'm going to look like a mook 'til I grow it out and let it fade."  
  
Buffy propped herself up on an elbow and ran her hand through his purple locks. "I don't know,   
we get some black dye, and give it, maybe a patchwork look, might be kinda sexy…" Xander just   
looked at her in annoyance. "What?"  
  
Xander didn't say anything, he merely dipped below the sheets. Buffy closed her eyes preparing   
for whatever Xander had planned. She then yelped in pain. "What did you bite my thigh for?"  
  
Xander came back out from under the covers. "That's for picking on me."  
  
Buffy got an amused smirk on her face, then said. "Sor-ry!"  
  
"You will be…" Xander pulled the sheets over them and they began round two…  
  
--The End--  



End file.
